Toots.

Having two girls, I assumed we would bypass the bathroom humor. Oh man was I wrong, Kate cracks up over "poopie" or "tootie" with the best of them. And while I try to encourage her to reserve using potty words only in the bathroom, it was only a matter of time before Evelyn joined the club.

On the way home from school yesterday, Kate and Evelyn were cracking each other up making "toot noises" the whole way home. And now, this has become Evelyn's favorite new trick.

Tonight, she sucked me into it as well, because really, toot noises are never not funny, even as an adult. So for a little midweek humor, watch and enjoy...

Happy hump day friends, we are over half way there...

Pity Party for 1

Well friends, it was only time before today happened. I have arrived at my pity party. As I am not one to sugar coat this journey, I'm going to be real.

I'm tired of having cancer.

I'm tired. I'm nauseous. I'm hot (one of the side effects of chemo is low grade temp) but my head gets cold easy. I have this constant unsettled feeling. I need to buy new bras because I have very few non-nursing bras, but why bother when I'll have different boobs in 3 months. My skin is dry but lotion feels weird on my skin.

I got in the shower today and had nothing to do. So I just stood there. No hair to wash. No hair to shave. I did use soap (just in case you were wondering) but then I just stood there. Thinking about how this sucks. And I don't want cancer. I want my normal life back.

Now, let me be clear, I'm not "giving up the fight" or wishing my life away, I very much want to live and be around to watch our girls grow. But chemo sucks and I don't want to do it any more. But the alternative is worse. So where does that leave us? At the Pity Party.

1 more cycle of AC next Monday and then on to Taxol. One day at a time.

Specific prayer requests: strength in this fight for me and patience with the girls when they need my attention. 

Go shawty, it's your birthday

Nothing better than a bald lady in a party hat

Saturday marked my first day of my 34th year on this planet and it was a pretty great one. Although I didn't get to sleep in, I was woken by Kate saying "Happy birthday mama!!" which was a pretty sweet way to wake up.

Shortly after, Mom and I took Evelyn and went grocery shopping (exciting, I know) and then got back in time for Mitch and I to go to a local spa and get a couples massage. He had told me a few weeks prior that he had never had a professional massage, so I figured I would bring him along for the ride!

The massage was wonderful, very relaxing, I almost feel asleep at one point but woke myself up because I wasn't paying to sleep! Mitch said he enjoyed it and would do it again for a special occasion.

We then walked through the mall a bit and finished up at Buffalo Wild Wings for an early dinner, only to be surprised to find out someone covered our bill! We don't know who this generous stranger was but we both agreed that we wanted to return the favor some day.

Once we got home, we had cake and singing and candles and party hats like any good birthday should. Even Ollie got to participate!

In the end, it was a pretty good birthday, to all of you that wished me a happy birthday through the mail, text, phone call or facebook post, thank you! I felt very loved!

Next post will be all about cycle 3, so far this cycle has been a bit tougher than the last 2, lets hope its short lived!

State of the Union

Well friends, please accept my sincerest apologies for my lack of blogging the last two weeks, last week I was pretty run down from my second chemo cycle and this week I returned to work full time so by the time the girls were in bed, mama was tired!

So with that out of the way, we have a lot of catching up to do. So I figure I would host a state of the union post of sorts, ultimately giving an update on all things cancer and life and work and play. So get comfortable, we have some catching up to do!

Chemo cycle 2 was last Monday, the same day as my last post. It was pretty uneventful and almost identical to the first cycle in side effects and reactions. One rockstar addition was these amazing unicorn kitten rainbow socks from my great friend Jen. It doesn't get much better than a kitten sitting on clouds with angel wings, a unicorn horn and a rainbow. I'm told they came from target. #youarewelcome

 

Also, this is Wrigley. She was visiting all the patients while I was there and she is literally the dog we thought we were getting when we got Ollie. She is sweet, mellow, knee height and does not eat things she should not, you know, the things everyone looks for in a dog.

I also confidently rocked the buzz cut, cuz if you are going to fit in anywhere looking like GI Jane, its going to be at the cancer center. Wrapped in a handmade blanket from my Grandma, it had to be a good day.

My next cycle starts Tuesday since Monday is a holiday. I'm told the Tuesday after a holiday is b-a-n-a-n-a-s because all the Monday and the Tuesday patients come for treatment. Maybe I'll make the nurses some cookies. We like cookies.

Side effect update: This is best done in bulleted form.

• Appetite- was about the same from cycle 1 to cycle 2, the steroids make me hungry so the first week I found myself with a decent appetite. We were shipped 6 frozen Giordonnos pizzas (and we still don't know who sent them, reveal yourself pizza angel!) and it was DELICIOUS and actually tasted like pizza. Which brings me to...

• Taste bud change/dry mouth- this is pretty awful, tolerable, but awful. For days 3-6, everything tastes like its coated in chalk and my mouth is like the Sahara. That is what made the pizza so delicious- I ate it during the peak of taste bud transition and the tomato sauce tasted like tomato sauce, the snozberries tasted like snozberries (RIP Gene Wilder). Another good friend of mine sent me Biotene mouthwash which has also helped with the dry mouth. 

• Nausea- again, this has been pretty manageable with the right medications. I did notice a little more nausea this cycle but I cut back on one of my medications so I'm going to see if it happens again this next cycle. I think this has to be the symptom I was worried the most about as I tend to be a puker (2 pregnancies were brutal!) and I can say that I have been pleasantly surprised how manageable it has been.

• Fatigue- this was a different experience for round 2. My nurse practitioner told me that most of the side effects from cycle to cycle will stay the same but fatigue will increase with each cycle and she was right. Last week I managed to work Tuesday and Wednesday but by Thursday I was just wiped. This continued until Monday. This is also when mom went back to Georgia so the timing wasn't ideal. I do worry what this next cycle has in store for me...

• Hair loss- I have seen the most progression with this symptom and it has been the most frustrating as well. As you know, I shaved my head once I started losing large clumps of hair. Once it was short, I continued to lose hair whenever I would touch my head however this did not occur in any orderly fashion or pattern, which leads me with a awkward progression of turning into Benjamin Button. 

  

  Just a reminder, this is my freshly shaved hairy head for reference
  
  

This is a week later as random patches began to fall out, with others remaining firmly affixed

And now, its like I am wearing a hairy yarmulke

So desperate times call for desperate measures. I am so desperate to get this hair off of my head, not only because of the less than ideal aesthetics, but also, it HURTS. The best way to describe it is the hair that is left on my head feels like little fiberglass slivers in my head, especially when it is brushed against the growth of the hair. I'm over it. I want it out.

I contemplated waxing it, but that seemed painful and messy. I also thought about shaving it, but I'm sure I would cut my head and that would suck. So the next best thing....

LINT ROLLER!!

Or just use the whole sheet without the roller. 

Unfortunately, my yarmulke is staying put for now. Maybe after my 3rd cycle these holdouts will finally throw in the towel and I can get a smooth, shiny head Mr. Clean style. Until then, I guess I'll keep complaining.

Well friends, I hope this gave you an update on how I am doing, I could write about a million other things, but its 10 pm and time for bed. Tomorrow morning I will wake up another year older and another year closer to 40, which is somewhat terrifying. But 33 has been a challenging year so lets hope 34 has a few tricks up its sleeve. I promise I won't be a stranger and I'll keep the posts coming. Happy weekend everyone!

Hair today, gone tomorrow part I

Ha, you see what I did there? I'm so funny on chemo. Today's post will be how my hair finally decided to say see ya later and begin falling out of my head. Come along on the journey...it has tequila!

I mentioned in my previous post that I had read that with my type of chemo, hair loss is usually between days 12-14 after the first infusion. As you all know, I cut my hair 3 weeks ago in anticipation of this event and while it gave me a thrill knowing what I would look like with a pixie cut, my hair is just not suited for that length. It's SUPER curly and hard to control and too short to try to straighten so I ended up giving into the chaos and letting it do whatever it wanted. See exhibit A below...

So to say I was secretly looking forward to hair ground zero would be an understatement. Beginning day 12, I would give a little tug on my hair only to be disappointed when it would still be firmly affixed at the root. I did this probably 10 times throughout the day to no avail and went to bed convinced it would happen on Saturday (day 13).

Saturday came and went, same test of change, same result. Later in the day I went for a mani/pedi with a dear friend of mine and we talked about how ready I was for it to fall out, I was tired of my curly mop, how ironic would it be if it didn't fall out and I just spent a fortune on a wig, etc. etc. Saturday night came around and I started to have some doubts. What if it didn't fall out?

Sunday rolled around and as I got ready for church, yet again, all hair follicles weren't giving up the goods. I went with mom to check out an open house around 12:30, hair was still staying put. Later that afternoon, I was planning on attending a Lularoe party to try on a few items before purchasing and I was a little nervous because I didn't know many people that would be there and while I have no problem sharing my story publicly with all of you, it's a little awkward with total strangers. At a leggings party. The last thing I wanted to be was Debbie Downer.

Then 3:30 came around, I performed my test pull and my hair said, PEACE, we are outta here. I lost a whole sideburn. An hour before I was supposed to leave for the party. Apparently God does still have a sense of humor.

So I came up with a plan that I would refrain from touching my head until AFTER the party. And if it randomly fell out at the party, well then it would be a pretty sweet party trick, "watch me lose my hair using only my MIND".

Luckily, the party was uneventful, I was gifted a VERY awesome care package from my rockstar charge nurses at work, which contained more leggings and shirts and comfy clothes that are AMAZING! Truly, the generosity I have received from all of you is humbling and overwhelming and touching and #allthefeels. But that is for a different post...

Once the party was over, it was time for the real party start. My friend Jen wanted to come over last night anyway, so I totally roped her into shaving my head. As a true friend would, she willingly accepted and brought chips and salsa and ranch to make it a real party, Ole!

While mentally, I was pretty ready for this, a little tequila never hurts so I made a makeshift margarita with frozen limeade and some Cuervo, which ended up being DELICIOUS! When life doesn't hand you margarita mix, you make margaritas anyway.

Kate was still up for all these shenanigans so I really wanted her to be involved to make it less scary. We have been talking about how I was going to lose my hair because of "the medicine I get in my button (port)", to which she responded, "can I press your button and make your hair fall out?!?!?". So cute, but not quite that simple!

I asked her if she wanted to help cut mommy's hair, which was met with an ENTHUSIASTIC "YES!!" so we plopped a chair in our kitchen, I took a swig of my marg and the show began.

Getting ready to start

We made a mohawk first because why not??

"Mommy, you look funny!"

Love these two girls

I took a drink of margarita, she wanted some too, so when I said no, enter total meltdown #threenager

So we put some yellow gatorade in a margarita glass and she was happy.
This I'm sure we resurface at her graduation party as the day she had her first drink.

See ya curly blond hair

Saving the best for last, I wanted to upload a short video but I'm having some technical difficulties getting it to load, so I will have Mitch help me with it tomorrow. Sorry!

I'm pretty happy with the final product. Eventually all these little tiny baby hairs will fall out too and I will be left with one naked, cold head but until then, I'm totally rocking the GI Jane look. I had chemo cycle 2 today, so I will post more about that midweek but it went really well. Starting to feel a little crummy as I write this now but hopefully its nothing a little sleep can't fix tonight.

Thank you for the prayers and support! Specific prayer requests for this week:

Evelyn- that she can get over this cold and be healthy!

Kate- we are trying a new bedtime routine, so that she is asleep before the Tonight Show comes on! Prayers that she falls asleep quickly without too much trouble

Mitch- prayers for his second week of black belt training at Cat, he is doing well with it but its intense and stressful so prayers for peace and an easy week!

Me- Prayers for minimal side effects again this week, hoping it goes as well as cycle 1

And lastly, my mom flies home to Georgia for a few days this Thursday, so prayers for safe travel for her is appreciated!

Have a wonderful week everyone!

Infectious disease

Sorry blogland for my absence the last few days, after my post on Monday, I decided to make things a little more interesting and contract every infectious disease possible. Let me explain...

My first round of chemo was on 8/8. Because chemotherapy targets rapidly dividing cells (like cancer cells), it also effects your white blood cells (responsible for fighting infection). On 8/9, I got a shot called Neulasta which is supposed to help boost my white blood cells during chemo, but I will still see a drop in my white blood cells about 7 days after my infusion.

This would put my white blood cell count at its lowest, leaving me most prone to infection, on this past Sunday.

Which also just happened to be the day I thought it would be a great idea to take the girls to the Children's Museum.

I entered the museum with my family and a smile, and left covered with germs. When my counts were my lowest. In retrospect, this was a poor poor choice.

So I will let you enjoy the photos of happier times...

Because this happened by Tuesday....

This is me, laying on the waiting room couch because I physically cannot sit up. Stupid kid germs.

I woke up Tuesday morning at 4 am unable to keep anything down, even water. By 9 am, we called the onocology office thinking that I must be having some delayed reaction to the chemo. They had us head into the office, at which time I had lab work and a chest xray, followed by a visit by the nurse practioner and some IV steroids and hydration. During my chest xray, I could barely stand for the xray as my blood pressure was in the 80s/50s by that point. 

Once everything came back and I had a physical exam, the nurse practioner diagnosed me with the stomach flu (this was a give-in, my stomach was rejecting everything I tried to put in it), a sinus infection, an ear infection, impending pneumonia (my xray was a little cloudy but not terrible yet) and potentially strep throat or thrush (my rapid strep ended up negative).

I mean honestly, is it even possible to get that many things at once? Apparently, when you are dumb enough to take a cancer patient to a children's museum, it is. I should really be smarter...

The good news is after my IV fluids and meds and a lot of rest, I am feeling a million times better and I have learned my lesson. But to add insult to injury, my dear mother made me go IN to Dairy Queen with her looking like this:

I'm sure this is cosmic payback for something I did to her as a child. Touche mom, touche.

So, in the end, I definitely learned my lesson and will be much more cautious of my weak immune system. Today is day 12 after my infusion, so while my white count is on its way back up, today marks the beginning of when my hair will likely begin to vacate my head. This may seem odd but I am actually looking forward to getting this mop off my head, its crazy curly and dry and I just don't have the talent to style it.

So here's to staying healthy and enjoying the weekend before chemo round 2 on Monday!

R is for...

Today's post is brought to you by the letter R for random, as I'm just going to put down whatever comes to mind. I hope you enjoy, or at the very least, make it to the end of this post.

R is for Restlessness

One unique problem I have had this last week is physically, I am exhausted. Like I don't want to pick up my arm kind of tired. Unfortunately, my brain did not RSVP to this party and much like a certain 3 year old we know, she does NOT want to go to bed. No amount of coaxing, essential oils, white noise or dim lights will persuade her to go down for the night. So I am finding myself in this perpetual awake but exhausted state. Ambien has been helping at bedtime, but I still wake feeling less than rested.

So today, while I should be napping and my muscles are screaming "go to sleep", I am laying on the couch watching Little Rascals and writing this blog post because my brain says "let's party!!". All in favor of relaxing on the couch say "Yoi Yoi Yoi Yoi Yoi!!!"

I mean seriously, this movie is the BEST.

R is for Really good labs

So I had my "toxicity check" with my nurse practitioner at the cancer center today and the good news is, my side effects have been minimal and manageable (KEEP IT UP PRAYER WARRIORS, it's working!!!!). My WBCs were 6.4, Hgb was 12.2 and platelets were above 150,000, which is great news. If my wbcs are less than 1 or platelets are below 100,000 it will delay my treatment, so we are on target to stay on time for cycle 2 next week. Yay, more poison!

R is for Re-entry (I know, its a stretch, just go with it)

During my above mentioned lab draw, the phlebotomist accessed my port again to get my blood and holy stabby mcstabberton, that sucked. R also needs to be for Remind me to use EMLA next time, youch! 

R is for 'Roe

I know many of you have already jumped on the LulaRoe bandwagon but I have been blissfully ignorant until this weekend. I reached out to my coworkers (whom I KNOW are on the bandwagon, they are driving the silly thing!) to learn a bit more about them as I hear they make very comfy clothes and cancer = an excuse to be comfy. Well, within a day of my posting, a new pair of leggings showed up on my doorstep (Rachel, you are wonderful, thank you again!) and wowza, these things have to be made from unicorn hair or fairy wings or something because clearly they are not of this world. 

Needless to say, I predict some new leggings in my future...

Kate feeling my leggings, that's right, the are so soft you just want to touch them!

R is for Rachel

Rachel is the name of my wig. I did not give her this name, the wig makers did, but I do think its rather fitting and it goes along with our theme today so....

I had an appt yesterday to try on my new wig and left a little disappointed only because I look like I am wearing a hair helmet. They washed it and styled it for me and I picked up the final product today. It looks a little better today but will still take some getting used to. The price tag was also about double what I thought I would be spending, so that was pretty disheartening as well (like I previously mentioned, insurance doesn't cover wigs). I have an appointment with the American Cancer Society in two weeks to check out their "free wig bank" so that might give me a second option. But don't tell Rachel, I don't want her feelings to be hurt ;) Also, the picture below is no-makeup, no filter so ignore the bags under my eyes!

Me + Rachel

R is for Relief 

Finances are always a concern whenever a diagnosis of cancer is involved. Initially I was told if I have intermittent FMLA during my treatments, I would have to take my time off unpaid as I would not qualify for short term disability. Well, good news internet friends, we found a loophole and it looks like I will be able to work and get short term disability for my days off during treatments!!! This is such a relief to know that I will still be contributing financially to our family and that we don't have to sell all of our things to afford daycare.

R is for Rations

Lastly, so many of you have asked how you can help our family or have volunteered to bring us a meal. I have created a meal train account that will allow any of you to sign up for a night to bring us a meal, if you are wanting to help. My mom is going back to Georgia next week for a short time, so we are starting the sign up for next week, as it is also my treatment week. Mitch and Kate have a dairy sensitivity so while they can tolerate some cheese, milk, etc. a 5 cheese lasagna might not be the best option for us. I just want to say thank you in advance to all of you that are willing to help us out, whether it be providing a meal, being an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Thank you!

Hop aboard the Meal Train, choo choo!!!